You're Not Special
Lana Morelli
Courtesy of Aj SchweglerI have sat through my fair share of commencement speeches. My high school, college, first year completion of law school, and graduate school speeches. My brother’s high school and college. My sister’s high school, college and graduate school. One best friend’s medical school and another best friend's graduate school. Most recently, my brother in-law’s college graduation last month.
That’s 12 just off the top of my head! 12 speeches, filled with praise and accolades for the auditorium of students seated in square hats. 12 speeches about seizing the day, taking on the world, and making a difference. Yet, of all the speeches, I cannot remember exactly one quote from any of the speakers. The words spill out of their mouths and project through the auditorium, flowing into my ears, sounding exactly like the adults on “Peanuts.” Wa Wa Waaaaa, Wa Wa Waaaaa…
Maybe it’s because I want to get to the celebration part that I don’t remember. Or maybe it’s because you can only hear the same redundant banter so many times, before it blurs together into an unrecognizable monotonic sound… Waaaaaa….
Whatever the reason, those speeches are filed under the “BS. Get on with it already” category in my head. Nothing memorable. Definitely nothing blog worthy. Until this week…
The buzz of the newest commencement speaker was spreading like social media, gossip column wildfire! The man who told the football field of impressionable high school seniors, “You’re NOT Special!”
His honesty momentarily paralyzed the nation. Despite the 12 long, pleonastic previous speeches I’ve witnessed, I Googled the latest faux pas to watch it myself.
“You’re not special,” the middle aged man, in a generic navy suit proclaimed to the students. He is well spoken and clearly educated. The sincerity of his eyes can be seen when he looks out over the tops of his glasses to connect with the audience. He articulates that, “Even if you’re one in a million, on a planet of 6.8 billion that still makes you one of 7,000 people just like you.”
I find him inspirational and avante garde. Plaudits and kudos to him for revealing the true secret of the universe. That the world does not bend for you and that you have to be flexible and work for what you want. There is no exception to this rule. You are not special. You have to work for what you want too.
I think this was upsetting to many people, because this generation of teenagers, the ones right behind the “late 20 somethings” were mollycoddled. Simply put, they were overprotected, falsely rewarded and shielded from serious truths in life. Truths like, not every T-ball game is a tie. Not every student gets a chance to be student of the month. Not every player gets a trophy at the end of the year.
But this is a revelation for this generation of teenagers and their parents. They are the kids who tied every game, passed every grade (Thanks to No- Child-Left-Behind) and received a ribbon or trophy at the end of every season… Good, Bad or Indifferent!
“It’s good to give positive encouragement,” parents defended. Seriously?
I find it funny though. I distinctly remember being young, probably about 6. My family had just taught me how to play the card game 500 Rummy. It was a camping tradition and I wanted so badly to be a “big kid” who could play too. My hands were too small to hold all the cards so my mother gave me a box top to display them in.
“You’ll get the hang of holding them, for now just use the box and don’t let your brother or sister peak,” she said with a wink.
My brother is 8 years older than me. He always looked at me like a little sister he needed to protect, not a sibling he needed to rival. I remember, one camping trip, playing cards with him. I kept winning. It felt good. I was getting the hang of it. My brother was happy because I was getting it and winning was making me confident.
“Are you guys having fun?” my mom asked.
“Yes! I’m winning every game,” I proudly boasted. My mom smiled and before she walked away from me and my brother, I noticed him wink at her. I may have been young, but I was perceptive enough to know that the wink held some kind of value.
“Hey! Why’d you do that to Mommy?” I asked. Before he could respond, I connected the dots and started crying.
“What’s wrong?” my brother immediately consoled me.
“Stop letting me win… I’m not a baby!” I sobbed through tears.
I think about that experience when I teach at the community college. I think about how annoyed I was when I discovered I wasn’t winning based on my own merit. I wonder if that gumption is lost every time a student tries to make themselves an exception to my rules.
- Can’t I just submit my paper late?
- Can’t I just retake the quiz?
- Can’t I just skip this assignment?
- Can’t you just omit that absence?
- Can’t you just do it, this one time, just for me?
NO! I want to scream! I cannot. I can’t, because things that are not earned, even if it’s a win in a 500 Rummy game, are not worth anything. You are not the exception to every single rule. You are not special, because if everyone is special, than no one is.
I truly find that my students struggle with this aspect of college. They all read the syllabus, they know the rules, but they still push to be the one exception. I struggle to comprehend. I cried when I found out the winning games were all handed to me. Yet, the generation under me seems to cry and complain if things don’t go their way or are not handed to them. They are annoyed they have to work for it.
Maybe it’s the technology? The entire world literally at their fingertips… Smartphones glowing in their pockets… Or maybe it’s their parents who have, like the speech said; pampered, doted upon, helmeted, bubble wrapped and coddled them.
There can be a problem with overencouragement and not wanting your child’s feelings to ever get hurt. With this ideal we create what the teacher in that speech calls a “narcotic paralysis of self satisfaction.” People are so used to hearing how fabulous they are, so, when a situation occurs or happens where they fail, or screw up, or do poorly presents itself — they just can’t handle it.
“We have come to love accolades more than genuine achievement,” he says. I have to say that I wholeheartedly agree with him. It’s not about getting good grades, playing well, being a decent person. Instead, it’s about the recognition you get after completing it. This sends the wrong message.
Even as a 20something, I’ve come to realize the realities of life. Not everything goes your way. You will fail. You will have regrets. There will be situations that you wish you could change, but sometimes there is absolutely NOTHING you can do.
These are the harsh realities of life. However, these are also the same factors that help us to appreciate and understand what a good day is. What a true achievement feels like. You have to have the bad to contrast the good; so we can recognize the good and hold onto it tightly with both hands. It’s really no secret at all.
SHORT AND SWEET…AKA…MORAL OF THE BLOG If everyone gets a trophy, then the trophy is deemed meaningless. You see, we’re not generically special. We have to make ourselves stand out. We have to work toward something special to achieve something special. xoxo Lana
“Climb the mountain so you can see the world, not so the world can see you.” “Do what you love, love what you do.”
Reader Comments (3)
However, as much as I want to agree with Mr. McCullough, I can't ignore the reality that this generation has been provided with fewer opportunities, for both high school and college graduates, than any in years past, and the college graduates have been saddled with more debt than any in history. It is inconceivable to me that last year's graduating college class has 40% un or under-employment rate, higher than any other demographic, and they are dealing with, on average, $23,000-100,000 worth of debt.
Every single one of my close friends who I graduated from college with got a job within two months of graduating. I had seven interviews for teaching positions and was offered two and found a different one a year later at a better school district for better pay. Now, as much as I would like to pat myself on the back and claim I earned this through sheer intelligence, work ethic, and merit, I have to accept that when I graduated, there were numerous jobs available, mainly on account of the high retirement rate. My friends, too, share similar stories, and now with their experience and additional education, have been able to maintain their successful job pursuits. However, the average graduate today is lucky to receive a single job interview, and when they do, they are competing against hundreds of other candidates, ones who often have far more experience than them. My wife recently went back to grad school, acquiring her second Master's degree, and pursued a job in a different field. She applied to almost 200 positions, only received 3 interviews, and eventually received a job with the help of a family friend. She was more than qualified, and she would probably fall into the category of underemployed considering her experience and education.
As for the high school graduates, they have lost any opportunity of meaningful work with the slow dismantling of unions in America. Outside of the rare family connection and the military, too many of these graduates will join the ranks of the not-so-special people of the world that McCullough highlights in his speech, but they will learn this from years of hardship.
I think today's youth knows they aren't special, but they also know there are fewer opportunities for them to succeed and flourish like generations of the past and people just a few years older than them, so they are clinging desperately to a time when they are actually made to feel good about themselves. It's not healthy and it's not an answer, but it makes sense to me. I think history will look back on this generation not as pampered and entitled by their parents and schools, but as neglected and failed by their country and government.
Now while I appreciate Mr. Edmond's point of view regarding fewer opportunities and increased debt, I have to still argue that it is still vital for these kids to at least try. And there are models out there for them to look up to. Look at the Olympic athletes. I have such a true admiration for them and am in awe during these events b/c these individuals know the true meaning of putting forth effort and they also know not everyone will win. Not everyone is special and there is something to be said for having pride in having won something you really worked hard for. And with all the cheating and scandals and corruption they see every day in tv, in gov't, in reality shows, on soccer fields, etc....it only goes to reinforce the notion that it's ok to cheat as long as you "get ahead," especially if you don't have to work hard to do it. And this is an unfortunate notion that is perpetuated in our society and now, as public school teachers, who rely heavily on antiquated ways of teaching, we really have too many obstacles to overcome in trying to motivate those who just don't care and who don't need to either.
I wish the rules changed and the kids who were just slugs were given a GED app and sent on their way. This nonsense of having to educate them until they are 21 is just simply asinine. They waste tax payer dollars (quite a lot of money to be honest) and their own time too, texting in class, causing terrible discipline issues, roaming halls, eating free lunches, and going to summer school for the 3rd time after having STILL failed freshman English and are going to celebrate their 18th (or higher)birthdays. I say, you don't want to learn? You don't want to work hard for the free education that hard-working tax payers are paying upwards of $12K per year for you to enjoy this free education? Fine, then either get your GED or pay your own way or drop out of whatever. But to have to indulge students who blatantly take advantage of it and do not even have to work for it, and then who also curse me out as I'm TRYING to teach them, is insulting. Why do I have to spin my wheels and beg them to learn when they are not personally invested? Who benefits when no one cares?
I agree with you Lana - these kids are not special and the sooner they learn this, the better. But how do we teach them?
He was saying that we are all special, that none of us should be left behind, and it is the obligation of the those who were given more, whether in objects or attitude or intelligence or kindness, to improve all of society. You are not special enough to say they are lazy and should be casted off. They are not worthless enough to be thrown from society's ship, especially children who have not had the time to prove themselves.
We have to be careful with youth. The technology and entertainment already alienate them from reality. Their parents and society baby them and give them many things so they do not feel inadequate or less than their peers. Few people in society want to hold them accountable and when you do, like Godiva says, you seem like an insensitive old person. We have to find a balance in dealing with youth and draw the line. That line begins with responsibility.
I have been around long enough to know teenagers do not change. They are the same as us and care about school the same. Perhaps we had different expectations, but I felt entitled to a job, home, food, and books. Because we should have that expectation.
I enjoyed your post and the comments. But one thing for certain, this group of teenagers will grow up and complain about the ones behind them.