Gas is $4.00? Reasons to be Glad
James Dugan
By AgentAkit
So as I drove past the gas station, the unthinkable has happened again. Gasoline has transcended $4.00. When I actually went in, I saw an even more unbelievable sign: cigarettes were lowered 5 cents to ensure their loyal customers that they were the lowest price in the state. Who lowered cigarette taxes? And why are cigarette smokers worried about how much they cost? They are addicted. But let me stick with one unthinkable blog topic at a time.
What are we to do with rising gas prices, just two month before we start our favorite American summer tradition of driving aimlessly? Should we break down the door of the White House yelling release the reserves? Should we start an attack against another desert nation? Should we finally make up with Venezuela? All of these are great ideas, but the first will land you in jail, the second will land you in trillion dollar deficit, and the third, well, I like the idea of leaving dictators alone, just in case they come to their senses. That doesn’t leave us with many options other than to pay and make sure nothing drops onto the ground. And of course, siphon.
First, I do not know why President Obama doesn’t get blamed like Bush did in the last decade for rising gas prices. I remember the outcry. I think I might have been partly responsible. It was the early years of blogs: a wild, raucous time that I hope most servers have forgotten. But Obama has not been attacked with the same vitriol for not helping the middle and lower class get to work, drive to Wal-Mart, or eat at McDonald’s. I am not one that believes the President is in control of the price of oil, but I would like some good old fashioned, illogical anger directed towards the person who we have decided should be the blame of all our problems every four years. But maybe we have grown wiser; at least that is what I am going to contribute my silence to, plus Obama is from Illinois or Hawaii or wherever Trump is saying he is from today, not Texas.
So instead of being negative in the face of this new reality and hardship on Americans, I will give you 10 silver linings in the shrinking ozone layer.
10) The Return of the Block Party. Now I know some have continued this tradition over the years, but with high gas prices, more weekends of beautiful weather and 15 hours of light will find us at home. It is time to drink on your street, hire an out of work accountant to DJ, and see if we can make a few more friends on the block. At the very least, the only gas spent is trying to find a parking spot on another street.
9) No Impetigo from the Atlantic Ocean. You will not have to swim in the filthy waters of the Jersey shore or side step any hypodermic needles on the beaches. If you think you can’t live without the smell of sunscreen and male Speedos, try this: Underwear, car batteries among items found in New Jersey beach haul. Plus, you will save money on gas by not trying to find a parking spot close enough to the beach.
8) You Do Not Have to Visit Relatives across the State. It is not Christmas or Easter or a birthday. So why are we driving 600 miles, during the hottest time of the year, which means you will be stuck inside for the majority of the day watching reruns of T.J. Hooker, to discuss the finer qualities of granite countertops and FOX news? Save yourself seeing cousin Eddie in a tank top and his Bermuda shorts while you save face crying rising gas prices. Plus, you will save gas trying to find a parking spot at the Rest Stop.
7) You Can Support Your Local Mr. Softie. The sound of jingle music coming down the street should bring back pleasant childhood memories of a bearded man with grimy hands handing out pre-melted soft serve hidden by dripping lines of Jimmies. No more driving to get ice cream or putting shoes on, just buy your ice cream right on the street. You will be surprised at the taste of a black and white swirl at 10:30 in the morning and you will raise your status as a parent. Plus, you will not have to wait for the parking spot taken by the eight overweight customers trying to fit into a Toyota Corolla while they decide if they have eaten enough of their cones to leave and drive home.
6) No More Away Games. Whether it is softball, soccer, or roller hockey, driving your kids more than five miles to attend organized sports against kids you have never seen before and their unruly parents is now extraneous due to high gas prices. Just tell the coach that you can’t afford away games and your kid will be at all the home games. The benefits of this cost saving measure will cut in half the number of times washing the uniform, save you half the nights away from your couch relaxing, and hopefully get your kid uninvited for all Fall sports. Plus, you will save gas trying to find a spot on the street because everyone’s grandma and second cousins have decided to drive and watch little Billie trying to carry a Lacrosse stick.
5) You Can Improve Your House. Now this doesn’t sound like fun at all, but bear with me. Start painting walls and doors, preferably on the outside, where few people can visibly see you doing any work. The most important thing here is the sell. Spread paint on your clothes and hands and have water to wet your shirt and forehead. If you paint slowly enough, you can spend the majority of the summer listening to the radio in the shade while everyone admires your gumption to improve the value of your home. You won’t have to cook dinner and you can drink beer after noon. Plus, you won’t have to find a parking spot to the local eatery because someone doesn’t feel like cooking in the heat because you have been slaving away all day.
4) Enjoy Your Hose. Wet down your children. Spray down the exterior of your house. Water the lawn. Buy a five dollar multiple sprayer and some balloons, and you will have watery fun all summer long. Remember, water is still pretty cheap and take advantage of it. Plus, you will save yourself time trying to find a parking space between the countless minivans parked crooked at the community pool.
3) Air Conditioning Doesn’t Run on Gas. Stay inside where it is cool. Rent movies and read a book. You will save yourself from skin cancer and dehydration.
2) Get Skinny and in Shape for When Gas Is Cheap Again. Walk everywhere this summer in the name of the environment, even though the motivation is your wallet. Quit your gym membership and run in the early morning. Take advantage of the sun and empty city to explore the advantages of jaywalking, ignoring stop signs, and giving dirty looks to people who selfishly decide to drive. This will offer you ample time to check out your neighbors, get out of the house since you can only carry so much with two hands, and trim down for next summer. You weren’t ready for bathing suit weather this year anyway. Plus, you won’t have to find a parking space and you can walk in front of people who are trying.
1) No More Traffic Jams. The greatest benefit of being too poor to drive is you will not have to watch anyone pick their nose in a senseless traffic jam at 1:00 in the afternoon. You will not be disappointed that this traffic jam was actually the result of a road cleaning crew and one guy waving a flag. You will not find yourself finally past it and be back in another traffic jam two miles down the road. If you don’t drive, you can never be stuck again. Plus, you will not have to find a parking area where you can release from your 44 oz Mountain Dew fountain soda.
Reader Comments (5)
Very fun and informative piece. But I must rant here on how the rising costs of gas and the Presidents near glee in it happening is all but assuring that I vote for whomever or whatever will be opposing him in 2012.
Because of the nature of my job and a technical sales consultant, I must drive a lot for my job. Near 3,800 miles a month to cover my territory so I am very in tune to the price of gas. I had hoped that this escalating cost would have been tempered by a so-called compassionate President in hard economic times to do anything to reduce this cost. But no. The President's response is "Maybe this is an opportunity for us to conserve. If not how about investing in hybrid technology?" This out of touch elitist who has a 40 car motorcade and private jet everytime he steps out of the office and just recently took his family and 3000 closest associates on an all-taxpayer paid trip to Asia has the gall to say "Ignore your economic pain, do what I say is best???"
As someone who works very closely in the energy market let me share something:
This nation is so dependent on fossil fuel that we are generations away from moving away to a new energy source. Not at all saying we should not try to find other measures, but for now every operation that drives this country is totally dependent on oil to run every hospital, factory, power plant, food manufacturer...you name it. It cannot dissappear overnight. And until something better comes along, we need oil. Maybe the President should do what Bush did to stem this tide and announce drilling in Alaska or North Dakota will commence soon to free ourselves of the slave relationship we have with the Saudis. Bush did that and the price dropped.
I just can't believe that the primary reason for this continual, outrageous increase is "speculation." Wall Street continues to "speculate" the cost will go up and conveniently (for them) it does. They are making a boat load of money on top of their already overly bloated salaries while the rest of us schmucks sit and just take it. I'm so enraged and I think it's pathetic nothing is being done about it. The more they squeeze out of us, the less we will be able to ever spend elsewhere. EVERYTHING is going up and with astronomical gas prices continuing to escalate, your suggestions may very well be all that is left. So much for the land of opportunity....
(You did forget one other reason to celebrate the rising cost of gas which is a possibility of carpooling with your awesome neighbors! That only works though, when there's a smoke-free zone. Should I worry more about dying from your 2nd hand smoke or all the perpetual gas fumes?). Just a thought...
I think you should worry more about all the chemicals from makeup and hairspray, Godiva. But you are right about speculation and how the market future determines the price of things. It doesn't mean we can not change because the market is malleable. We have to curb driving and look for more practical ways to achieve our goals. Maybe I can catch a ride with you, but I won't listen to 80s music.
CJ, I feel mostly for the businesses who need gas to operate. We are addicted to oil and our whole transportation system and tourist system relies on the cheap to help it stay affordable for people on strict budgets, like most Americans. Godiva said it best, most Americans will cut out something to keep their lifestyle and their car, but when it is your livelihood, the implications are more dire.
The problem is that we are creating the same dependent system in China and Brazil. The price of oil is not going down. So something has to give. I hope I used humor to strike that salient point, but those who drive for a living, must be tormented with that reality. I wish there were some real solutions, and the internet I think is our best shot to finally stop our dependence. How to do it? Well, that is what I am working on.
Thanks for the comments
Funny piece. I think you should do a follow up on "Top Ten Reasons to Avoid Going to College" due to overpriced tuition rates.
The outrage here is justified but no one can say these fuel prices were unexpected. We've had warnings about $4-5 gas for months now. Not to mention the hidden inflation which is starting to hit. That's why everything is going up, because big companies will pass their devalued dollars and excess fuel costs to the consumers. The irony is that our whole culture has been conditioned for driving. We dump tons of money into the national highway system, we bail out the American Auto Industry at taxpayer peril, and we insist that upward social mobility means moving out into the burbs where everything is a car drive away. We've been played and will have to get used to high gas just like Europe.
I agree with your suggestions though. Anything that gets people more physically independent and closer to their neighbors can counter act this trend. Unfortunately, I think CJ is right; we are not getting off oil any time soon. I just don't see how the gas mileage on our vehicles hasn't changed very dramatically by now. They had vw rabbits in the 1980s getting mpg's in the high 30s/low 40s. Why aren't we well beyond that? We should call it quits with the OPEC nations and just tap into our own reserves. It doesn't make any sense, except that they must be saving American oil for when the Middle East runs out or turns too chaotic, so then we can charge them, China and all the other developing nations $5 a gallon for our fuel.
Alright, I'm done ranting. I was going to go off on Obama's handling of the BP oil spill, but save it for another time. I'm going to go get in my truck, drive alone on a highway for 20 minutes at high speeds, just to hang out with friends I saw only a few days ago, and encourage them to burn fossil fuels to cook hotdogs and hamburgers on the grill.
Drive it while you got it. You will be riding the train soon or your skateboard.