How the Bunny Stole Christmas
Every Wednesday night, my family makes their way up I-476 to reach the epicenter of Delaware County Commerce, the King of Prussia Mall. Although their true incentive for this weekly mecca pertains to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, they occasionally venture out into the ever-changing, overbearing onslaught of clothes, toys, music, smoothies, shoes, bean bag chairs, chocolates, sunglasses, bean bag chair sized cinnamon buns, department stores, book stores and Rosetta Stone kiosks. Last night I discovered that amid this maelstrom of consumerism hides a time bomb. How could a truly sinister, devious mind, or in this case minds, hide a device capable of mass destruction? They prominently place it on a dais in the center of all consumer activity. This malevolent force stands about eight feet tall, has eyes that remain opened, is covered in fur and never speaks. No, Sasquatch does not need to earn some extra coin, because of the economic downturn, however the greeting card industry does. And much like Freddy Krueger, this furry menace attacks children where parents can not protect them, in their minds. Yes, this introduction refers to the insidious assassin of yuletide glee known as the Easter Bunny.
Although this seemingly altruistic rodent may offer treats with one hand, his other hand seeks to rip the soul of innocence out of children like a Harry Potter villain. Admittedly, I did not realize this until I went to the mall last night with my eight year old sister Rachel. As we walked by the mall's ornately decorated throne of deceit, upon which the most detestable Christmas iconoclast since the Grinch sat, my sister waved excitedly and said, "Hi Easter Bunny!" The forever-muted swindler waved back with his standard inaudible response. This prompted my astute younger sibling to ask a question that has tapped the curiosity of many generations of young children. "Why doesn't the Easter Bunny say, 'Hi' back?" The detonation has commenced.
The truly rascally rabbit has now implanted a virus in my sister's brain. This virus does not multiply by conventional means, however. It grows as my sister ponders the question stated above, "Why doesn't the Easter Bunny say, 'Hi' back?" Inevitably, she will notice the Bunny's orifice through which he ironically begins to decry Christmas, does not open, as it is apparently made of plastic. As her brain begins to analyze and search for other creatures with polymer based voice boxes, she will find none, except her stuffed animals. She will then identify that the lifeless creatures who add to her room's decor are essentially akin to the one demanding fifteen dollars for a Polaroid across from the Jamba Juice. The clock begins to tick.
After the disease festers and preys upon her innocent thoughts for sufficient time, she will come to a logical realization, "The Easter Bunny isn't real." She may even feel ashamed at this point for believing that this eight foot tall, standing sock puppet actually contains a sweat-covered human being. For most parents, however, losing this deceitful huckster is not a devastating blow to their child's holiday spirit. Any adult who presents their child to the Easter Grinch undoubtedly sniggers to them self, thinking about how ludicrously artificial this shag-carpeted behemoth before them looks. Unfortunately, the virus now grows at a rapid pace and it heads toward the microcosm of childhood innocence in their child's psyche. The detonation sequence speeds up.
It can not be long before the child in question thinks about another holiday figure juxtaposed to the fuzzy catalyst who started this process. Seven months later, a more believable figure takes his place in the exact same location as the fraudulent furball. The child now will draw other comparisons. If it is unfeasible for a rabbit to deliver presents for all of the children in the world, can a man? Why didn't I get that one present that I asked for? I was pretty bad last year, but he never seems to notice. Why is Santa at this mall AND the Springfield Mall? He seemed different last year. Am I being duped? These are the closing seconds before the bomb explodes. There officially is no Santa Claus.
All of these realizations could have been delayed for a year or two if that beguiling bunny did not enter the equation. The most aggravating issues surrounding the Noel Nihilist are his presentation and his message. While Santa Clause interacts with children, making VERBAL promises, the Easter Bunny sits silently gesturing like a mime, only less entertaining. Also, children in 2010 require advanced video games, computer generated cartoons and portable EVERYTHING. Seeing as advancements have been made ten fold in these areas, why can the costume designers at the Easter Bunny factory not design an apparatus that includes blinking eyes? Even an inobservant child will see upon close inspection that the pathetic Polyphemus of Easter has no ocular cavities, rather large, flat plastic ovals fastened to the outside of his forehead. These egregious oversights by the costume department could be overlooked if the underlying message was not so despicable.
Christmas, by its nature, has an undercurrent of generosity that flows throughout. Though I will not deny that consumerism has undoubtedly diluted this message, "The Season of Giving" it remains at its roots. Santa may be the most recognizable allegory of benevolence in existence. His origin stems from a saint who rewarded children for being virtuous. The Easter Bunny, the figure who destroys the character above for many children, stands for none of these merits. While Santa embodies "green and red" the Easter Bunny salutes green only. One can not find a more contrived creation of the greeting card industry. This grisly demise of the most beloved figure for children ages 0-10 can be directly traced to a furry villain whose only purpose is to add a couple of bucks to the bottom line once a year.
As my sister's own Yuletime Bomb has been triggered, I can only hope that I can enjoy one more Christmas with my family, while experiencing the joy of a child brought on by Santa. It is unlikely that this innocent spirit of unrestrained joy and gratefulness will extend beyond 2010, because of the irresponsible decision to loose a Herculean hare upon the shopping public. Here is to Santa's last stand. Give them hell big guy.
Bomb, Children, Christmas, Dreams, Easter, Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, money 
Reader Comments (4)
Enjoyable to read and think about. Just let me quote one line that blew my mind:
"Even an inobservant child will see upon close inspection that the pathetic Polyphemus of Easter has no ocular cavities, rather large, flat plastic ovals fastened to the outside of his forehead."
Great use of humor, satire and most importantly, the truth that reveals something about our insane commercial interest in this nation. I was a victim of this bunny on Monday. Now, I have not seen the Easter bunny up close in thirty years. I do not know how I have done it with two kids under six. I think my Mom. Now I do not go to the same malls but your description was accurate. I did not get within six feet of this freak, and yet my children sat on his lap. I paid over 20 bucks for 2 shots.
I wish I could stop this nonsense. It serves no point to believe in, but it does my heart good to think that children can imagine a giant rabbit bringing candy. I have never been for toys, but we do get some small gifts. Easter is today a relgious holiday and bunnies and chicks make athiests and agnostics and Celtics look ridiculous. I don't even think I would celebrate it if I wasn't religious. I would make up a holiday name -- like Festivus or SUNRETURNDAY and have a cookout.
I do like it though. Everyone gets a new dress and suit and you feel new as you eat a ton of potato salad and Ham. KIds playing soccer in dress shirts and dresses barefooted. But as you said there is just no need for an 8 foot bunny. I don't even know where the giant bunny came from?
You make an excellent post and thanks for the lunch.
I, too, often find myself attacking the sheer absurdity of our commercialized, indoctrinating culture and it is refreshing to see that I am not alone.
The immense amount of lying that pervades our social networks is nothing short of insanity. In an effort to maintain some level of “innocence” in our children, we constantly lie to these tikes about the most ridiculous things. Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, the stork that brings a younger sibling; all of these constructions merely serve to eventually disenfranchise our already naive youth. And furthermore, as you were already savvy enough to point out, the lie itself has a sub-lie as to its true motivations. We like to think that Santa and the Easter Bunny are drummed up to encourage favorable behavior in our children... but, the reality is that (regardless of the original intentions) these idols are merely marketing tools to encourage more spending by the parents.
Recently, I have made the observation that our culture has integrated lying into it to the point of reliability. We lie on a constant basis, and are lied to in recompense. It has become an expected, and arguably, necessary part of our society.
If someone asks me, “How’s your day going?” my honest response may have something to do with:1) how crappy the weather is, 2) how miserable I am working behind the counter of a soul-sucking customer service job, 3) the unfulfilling, and ultimately fruitless reality of a failed love life, or 4) the oppressive, suffocating stress of debt upon debt that continues to accumulate in an effort to live a “normal” life.
And so I respond, “Good... yours?” and do not bother to wait (or care) for a response of any kind.
This is the classic, most iconic example of how each and every one of us lies on a regular basis. We do not say what’s really bothering us for fear of being labeled as “depressed” or “socially awkward” or “serial-killer-crazy,” and what’s more, the asker KNOWS they will not get an honest response. The asker expects a generic, meaningless, ‘nod’ of acknowledgment... nothing more. One of my favorite games to play is to actually give an honest response to someone who is very obviously not expecting it... watching another human sweat under the tidal wave of awkwardness and neurosis is as close a feeling to understanding divinity as we humans can ever hope to experience.
This is, by no means, a modern evolution. Despite our “ever-progressing” morality, society has relied upon lying and deception just for simple survival. Our religions would preach to us the repercussions and consequences of lying,
God said "..all liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death." [Rev 21:8]
However, from the most basic and subtle origins, to the most overt and strikingly dangerous ends, lying has found its way into the very core of advanced (insert cynicism here) human society. According to Machiavellian theory, the human develops the ability to construct BELIEVABLE lies at the ripe age of four. This is considered a NECESSARY skill for survival in a sophisticated culture. Before this emergence, the child attempts to lie, but has no perspective other than his/her own with which to self-evaluate the hypothetical scenario (the lie). So, the lies tend to be unbelievable and fantastic.
So, why? Why has lying become such an integral part of our society? The worst lies, so I believe, are lies of omission. Not withholding information from a second party... that is not the kind of omission I’m speaking of. I mean the constant parade of lies we construct for ourselves. The individual chooses what to believe and what not to believe. And when a person is choosing to ignore the truth of their own lives... that’s when they become dangerous. The Easter Bunny is a lie perpetrated through motivations of simple monetary gain, and as long as we know that (and more importantly... we ADMIT that) than the lie holds no danger. However, there are similar fairy tales that pollute our minds that are just as ridiculous, yet no one wants to admit it. THOSE are the dangerous ones.
Digression: Easter is a PAGAN holiday. Ostara is a Germanic goddess for which the festival is named. Rabbits and eggs are symbols of fertility. Furthermore, the timing of the holiday is completely pagan: it's on the first sunday after the full moon following the spring equinox. No joke. Pretty f**king pagan.
Also, the idea of Christ's resurrection is stolen from ancient pagan religions: see Mithras, Osiris, Dionysus, etc - many of whom performed the same "miracles." There is NOTHING original in Christianity. It's all stolen from ancient Near Eastern religions, including various mystery cults (such as the Eleusinian mysteries which included the use of psychedelic drugs).
As for the issue of lying... that's one reason why I won't have any kids (there are, in truth, hundreds of good reasons NOT to have kids). The world is a vast lie, perpetuated with mendacity, flourishing on deception. Given that, I truly believe that the most responsible, altruistic thing a person can do is to choose not to breed... the cruelest act one can commit is to bring children into this hellish world...
Wow. The tone of this topic has gone from ironic, tongue-in-cheek humor to downright cynicism, but I guess with some truth behind it. It is, as shaman has pointed out, true that eggs and bunnies are simply symbols of new life borrowed by Christianity from much older pagan traditions. However, I don't think this makes them so terribly evil and dishonest. We shouldn't over-commercialize another holiday (Easter is now the 4th largest moneymaking holiday), but we also shouldn't put down the biological and spiritual human needs of rebirth. Whether Christ's resurrection is truth and Christianity is a worthwhile belief system will always be a subject of constant debate. However atheists and fundamental Christians alike can agree that humans need to 1. procreate to sustain themselves biologically and 2. renew themselves mentally to continue to be productive members of society. So what if this is achieved through religious or commercial symbols? Aren't these just our civilization's way of telling us to "take a break and so we can get back to getting busy"? Imagine what life would be like with no holidays at all, no break from our monotonous daily routines. I for one am glad that not all the blocks on my calendar come as blank spaces.
Despite my support of holidays, I will agree that a little honesty would be refreshing every once in awhile and that myths shouldn't be perpetuated to trap the minds of children the wallets of their parents. So, I propose a solution to get some revenge at the "evil greeting card companies." Instead of sending out meaningless platitudes to our closest and not so closest friends and family, I suggest we only buy greeting cards when we have honest and strong things to write to people in them. For example, "I hope your holiday is going better than mine. I was on call at the hospital today and witnessed the aftermath of a gruesome automobile accident. The victims head caved in and I watched him suffer for four hours before he passed away. Happy Easter. Love, Aunt Bev" Now, please don't think me morbid; this is no hypothetical greeting card. I actually read something like this message in a stack of antique Easter cards my mother-in-law had out last weekend from the 1950s. I guess people really were more honest back then. They probably bought less greeting cards too.