Patrick Edmonds' Guide to Sensible Voting: Look for a Face You Can Trust
Election Day! Sweet. Finally, after months of being accosted by political fliers, phone calls, and commercials, it is now time to make a decision. Voters, after much time processing mounds of political literature, party talking points, and their own stolid principles, are finally able to practice their most essential democratic right by rationally pushing one button for Republican or one button for Democrat or, for the exceptionally well-balanced voters, a mix of both Republican and Democrat.
However, for those of us who are a bit less refined, who make decisions based on our most base, superficial desires, I propose an alternative system that has guided me well through the voting process. For the past twelve years in which I have been able to participate in this meaningful egalitarian practice, I have simply voted for the candidate that looks the most like actor, Leslie Nielsen.
Image Courtesy of commons.wikimedia.org
Although seemingly rudimentary decision making, there is much validity to such rash voting habits. Esteemed sociologist, data analyst, and author, Malcolm Gladwell argued in his New York Times Best Seller, Blink, that our instinctive processing capabilities are far more sensible and dependable than one would believe. Gladwell explains in one chapter how for decades American voters have been attracted to primal characteristics of strength, wisdom, and great hair. From Thomas Jefferson to JFK to Bill Clinton, the average voter has been swayed by a candidates’ looks just as much as their political posturing and empty rhetoric.
Image Courtesy of flickr.com
So why not vote for someone who looks somewhat like Leslie Nielsen. Nielsen’s own fictional resume makes him more than qualified to hold the reigns of political office. Just look at his venerated acting career: an elite cop in all the Naked Gun films (Working Class and equipped to handle matters of National Security); a straitlaced doctor in Airplane (Intelligent and able to address the Health Care Crisis); and even the president in a film whose title escapes me (Understood). So, it’s only logical to vote for a candidate who slightly reminds me of an actor who has portrayed some of the most hilarious fictional characters of all time.
Image Courtest of georgewbush-whitehouse.archives.govSince I first voted in 2000 for President George W. Bush and then again in 2004 (His hair actually became more white after his first term, thus enhancing his resemblance to Leslie Nielsen), I have applied my method on every level of the electoral stage. From local white haired political and judicial candidates in the Philadelphia suburbs to the senatorial and gubernatorial PA elections, my flawless, objective system continues to have nothing to do with actual politics.
And to those who may critique this tried and tested practice as being imbalanced, considering the Democrats never seem to run a candidate of movie star looks with sagacious, pristine white hair, I simply ask, whose fault is that? Either way, whether you believe that your vote actually matters or are deterred because of the complexity of issues, I encourage you to utilize this selection process this voting season and choose a candidate who reminds you of someone who makes you laugh and reminds you that it is all just a big joke.
Image Courtesy flickr.com
Paid for by the Candidates Who Look Slightly like Actor Leslie Nielsen
Patrick Edmonds
Sometimes satires take on their bizarre reality. Below is Tom Corbett's political transition team. Astounding!
Image Courtesy of Philly.com
Patrick Edmonds
Sadly, Leslie Nielsen was lost a few days ago. Here's a wonderful piece Wired.com remembering his grand contribution to American cinema and comedy.
http://www.wired.com/geekdad/2010/12/everything-i-know-about-parenting-i-learned-from-leslie-nielsen/
Reader Comments (3)
Now I would vote for anyone who looks like John Candy. His great size and presense, mixed with his kind demeaner and fatherly roles, especially Summer Rental and Uncle Buck, would suade my vote.
I beleive you have something here in this satire. We are spending too much time with our political system, which in a republic hijacks control from the people, except for 8 days in four years, and I would much rather vote for an actor I have seen more often. They are actors playing a role and the satire drips with poignant truths.
The money spent on elections could be spent in better places. What happen to limits on elections? Was that the Republicans and Democrats who promoted that? That has blown out the window. The amount of environmental damage those fliers created and damage to my knees of getting up again and again to answer the phone is incalculable.
It is joke the candidates I voted for today. I do not know them and they make no effort to be known -- just fly the party flag. It will take some time for my jaded experience to wear off to optimism. Every year it is like voting for a party I will never be invited to.
Thanks for the laughter -- I think I'll need it for the next few years. Leslie Neilson in that condom is another good satire for American politics.
My mother was a member of the Leslie Nielsen fan club in the early 1950's, but mostly because her friend Barbara Slowick of Greenpoint, Brooklyn wanted her to join. How could Mom have known what a cosmic impact he would have? How could she have been so blind to leave the club after only a few months? Does Barbara Slowick know something that we don't? Where are you today, Barbara? Can you take America by the hand and lead us like gentle children to the leaders we seek? We need you Barbara Slowick, late of Humboldt Street, now more than ever.
Sorry I am new to Lunch Break and I guess I posted my story in the wrong place. I do however have a comment about the votiting business.
Well, now, if white hair gets it done I’m a candidate and so is my wife but the only movies we’re in are home movies which are at least more entertaining than those God awful campaign adds we’ve been deluged with on TV and even over the phone. All I could conclude from what they had to say about each other was that none of them would fall under Edward G Robinson’s endorsement. He summed up ones character quite simply in those old black and white gangster movies with a line I’ve come to use in my own judgments of good and evil, He would curl up his puffy lips and engage is raspy voice box and would enlighten us with those words “ Ya, see, he’s a swell mug!
Good job with this, it probably more to the point than one would think. When I’m in doubt, I just look for Irish names, shame on me.