Get off my Doorstep: The Guide to Halloween Candy Giving

Free FlowerThe time is here: the night little ghouls and yodas come banging on my door in the search for free candy. This Celtic tradition breeds none of the fear of the ancient celebration as neighborly generosity gives way to childhood greed. So as a way to bring some decency to the witchy holiday, I present a list of the top ten people you should not bestow treats upon. Give them the trick option and cause them to disappear.

1) If you are old enough to know that candy is bad for your teeth, then scram.

2) If your costume is pajamas, then you have not done enough creative thinking to receive a reward.

3) If you are foot taller than the previous Trick or Treater, you do not need candy for you will soon receive a lucrative NBA contract.

4) If your receptor is a pillow case to extract as much candy as possible, refer to Rule #2 and clearly you are a future criminal with no sense of self control or decency.

5) If you refer to your neighbors on the street as "the good candy people" vs. "those cheap bastards", then clearly you are old enough to realize that dressing up as fictional characters to manipulate a system is stealing.

6) If you come for candy past eight o'clock and are not violating a bed time ordinance, your reward for your age is your prolonged bedtime, not fructose induced elevating edibles.

7) If you have a mask and regular clothes, regardless of how scary the mask is, you are causing nightmares for the rightful participants, and thus their fear is your concrete reward.

8) If you are wearing a sheet (toga, supposed ghost, or some type of angelic or saintly figure), please refer to Rule #2 or you have made another Celtic holiday into a Roman Catholic tradition, and thus your ignorance or disrespect should have no tangible reward.

9) If you crawling in packs of 6 or more with no visible adult, then your reward can be egging my house later in the night, but you will not get any of my Snickers.

10) Finally, if you are a child of a Republican, future Republican, a Republican in a former existence, or think that Ronald Reagan should be on US currency, then clearly you hate handouts and to protect your sacred ideology, you will get no support from me in violating your ideals.

Have a Happy Halloween, Lunch Breakers!         

Comments

[Lady Godiva]

I'd never have gotten candy at your house Mr. Dugan! That's ok though. Slim pickins where you are - it's much better out on the Main Line where I was with all the other Republican candy givers! And Democratic takers!
Speaking of which, I hope your kids liked their treats!