5 iPhone 5 Rumors That I Wish Were True
Nick Carraway
Some rights reserved by David Blackwell.Here we are in the dead of summer and as usual the rumors about the next iPhone's features are overheating faster than a black iPhone left out on a sun baked beach towel. Most of the rumors about iPhone 5 have centered around the screen, but that just seems way too boring for such a revolutionary product. Screen size! Really? That's what is supposed to excite me enough to toss my current, perfectly functional iPhone and shell out several hundo for the newest piece of flashy Apple tech. Instead of an upgraded screen, here are some rumors that actually would get me pumped for the next generation of the iPhone, and they don't involve Siri.
1. Indestructible iPhone
The whole iPhone 5, screen and all, is indestructible. One of the biggest hidden costs involved with the iPhone is all the protective gear they sell you on at the counter. Forget the OtterBox case, the supposedly scratchproof shield, and the Apple warranty. Here's a feature that will garnish an extra Ben Franklin or two from the buyer: make the iPhone unbreakable. I want to lend my iPhone to drunken friends, clumsy toddlers, and distracted drivers alike without fear of it being destroyed in a freak accident. I'd gladly pay extra for an invincible phone instead of shelling out another $60 every time my OCD fingers tear off the brittle rubber lining on my Speck case.
2. Augmented Reality
The iPhone 5 contains a sweet camera, but it is not just awesome in the ways of a normal camera. Nope, the new camera will be able to take a picture of anything and find information about it on the internet. Does your dog have fleas? One snapshot from this camera and iPhone 5 will tell you what kind of dog you got, what kind of fleas he's got, and how to get rid of them. Can't remember the name of a new acquaintance? Take a secretive headshot and iPhone's new face recognition software will pull up their Facebook page, LinkedIn, and whatever else they got going on the internet. The days of text based searching have gone on too long! Apple users deserve instant information on whatever they are looking at whenever they want it.
3. Apple Snob Preferred Connectivity
Owning the iPhone 5 will make you so cool that you shouldn't have to stoop to talking to anyone who is using outdated technology. The new iPhone 5 will have the ability to recognize the type of device trying to call or text it. If you're texting my iPhone 5 from a Nokia, just stop it. I'm way too cool to answer you and my phone will block your call. If you are calling me from an iPhone 4, I guess I'll answer but I'm going to let you know that you're about two years behind my level of awesomeness. If you try to email my new iPhone 5 from a Blackberry, please, grandpa, just send me a telegram instead. Don't you know RIM is going out of business any day now?
4. Wireless Electricity
You know what is super annoying about the iPhone? It needs to be charged. It is 2012 and I'm still fumbling under my car seat for the adapter because my iPhone is about to die. The new iPhone 5 should be able to steal electricity through the air from other appliances. Seriously, if I'm faced with my fridge being one degree colder or updating my facebook status, I want that power coming to my iPhone. Do I need the amp to my subwoofer on full blast when I'm driving? No, I need to text at every stop light without worrying about my iPhone shutting off. And if my co-worker's stupid Droid phone keeps blowing up at work, not to worry. My new iPhone 5 will suck the life right out of the competition.
5. Instant Consumer Gratification
Given all the hype about the iPhone 5, there's no way any loyal Apple enthusiast should be expected to wait when the device is finally released. As an iPhone user, I'm much too popular and busy to wait in some long line to be sold a product that I'm already going to buy without a doubt. As soon as I put my iPhone 5 pre-order in online, I want the device to instantly appear at my fingertips. Apple should have the software to predict my consumer needs and ship a new iPhone to me as soon as it comes off the production line. If an iPhone 5 showed up at your doorstep, act like you're not going to buy it immediately. I want a door to door Apple genius to show up unannounced on my front porch with a 3D printer capable of spitting out an iPhone. "Just put any charges on my iTunes account," I'll say, "and I'll deal with the credit card debt later." As soon as I get my indestructible, AR-enhanced, snobby, wirelessly powered, instantly produced device, I'm sure it will grant me the street cred and financial wherewithal to raise any amount of cash needed to foot the bill.
Reader Comments (5)
Anyway, this is funny stuff, but it also seems somewhat plausible in the future. I especially like the idea of it stealing juice from other devices, and an indestructible iphone would certainly be worth the extra hundred bucks. However, your satire raises two legitimate points: 1. What really has changed with these iphones? I mean the internet is faster, but how much of that is due to Apple technology? Also, there are more apps, but those are created by other people, not Apple. The camera is cool, but it doesn't warrant a "new" phone every year. 2. Why do we continue to succumb to everything Apple. We truly are like the woman in the image, idol worshipers, bowing down to a frivolous institution of questionable morals.
Good stuff!
Your dream phone might not be far away. Check out this video, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX-gTobCJHs.