Obamacare to Cover All Pets

Courtesy of YukanAs we expand the role of government with our collective eye on improvement, President Obama’s team has decided to count their chickens before they hatch. And yes, animal birthing will be covered in the new and improved health insurance program barking out of Washington this week.

In the hope to win this intense election, partly because he did nothing for the past four years and the other part, well, I guess it was the Republicans, Obama is reaching out to the suburban moms and spinsters by promising pet insurance. He plans to cover every animal in America with the kind of welfare equal to the beloved pets of Congress.

Similar to the human plan, every animal will have to be accepted regardless of genetic or predisposition. Offspring living in the same house as the freeloader parent animals will be covered under the bitch’s plan.  Animals will have a chance to visit the veterinarian who will freely run up the bill with senseless tests and surgeries because Americans cannot handle death in any conception.

Unlike the human plan, The Pet Insurance will cover all animals regardless if they have a job, perform an essential societal function, have just moved from Chiajuana, or like running into highway traffic. The Pet insurance will cover health fitness coaches and dietary specialists for all animals. They have decided it should be free because Obama could not find a way to charge them.

I searched the streets with questions but the animals I talked to were all quite unresponsive. The cats were skitterish as if they had something to hide and the ostrich kept running away. They seem to be aloof at the free healthcare and the awesome quality of life that the new Obama Pet Plan offers. In fact, this reporter was actually stung twice informing the bees.

Humans were filled with opinions. Peter Jackson, from Buffalo, insisted that the pets should have to pay something. “These animals live better than me. They are sucking off the system and leaving the tax payers to pay.” Randy White, sitting next to Peter on the bus, went on, “Are you kidding me? Pet insurance. What will they think up next? Well at least I can get my 12 year of Tabby’s urinary tract infection fixed. She has been peeing in my apartment for the past 2 years.”

“I don’t like it, said Florance Rand, because it makes us look like pansies, caring for animals. We should invest in more military funding to finish off Iraq.” I informed her that Iraq wasn’t our target anymore and she just shook her head. Violet Mackeral liked the idea that her pets would get to see a doctor. “What is the difference? At least we have something to show for our taxes other than the junky roads, schools, and corrupt democracy.” Her friend, Sue Saw, was exuberant. “I don’t know why we can’t have this plan for humans, but at least the pets will be safe and happy and live longer lives.”

Will pet lovers unite and push Obama to the win this Fall? The plan seems to have little bark and no one is sure how much bite it will take out of our pockets. But who will deny your poor pooch good health insurance? According to a new plan out of Washington, no one will.

You can follow James Dugan on facebook and on Twitter @jamesduganlb. Purchase his new book through Amazon What Baseball Teaches: A Poetic Odyssey into 2008 Season of the World Champions Philadelphia Phillies              

Comments

[Nick Carraway]

Is flea and tick treatment for my dog covered under this plan? If so, will the vet bills, moving costs, and funeral expenses for my pet fleas and my pet ticks be covered after they are subjected to the flea bath and forced to either move to a new dog or perish? When the fleas and ticks jump to my neighbor's cat, can we count on the government to help the cat out too?

With so many complexities to this issue, the proposed pet care bill must be like 1000 pages long and probably so confusing that it would take the Supreme Court to figure it out. Oh well, I'm sure the federal government can handle it. I mean they always do a pretty decent job administering massive social welfare programs, right?

[Patrick Edmonds]

This is fantastic. But just a few questions. Does it matter how many offspring one cat or dog has. I mean my friend's cat has had five litters already and my aunt's dog has just had 10 puppies. They're all covered, right? Also, my brother has a British Bulldog, and he refuses to walk more than fifty yards at a time, and as a result is very out of shape, which is apparently a problem for all other bulldogs. Sorry for the seeming breedism, but it's true. Finally, does age play a factor is the policy? My dog is 5, which makes him 35 in human years, so he would be off my coverage, under the human plan at least. I mean he could have been self sufficient if I hadn't coddled him so much when he was younger.

[James Dugan]

All valid questions. Fleas are under insects, thus parasites and must be terminated. Please refer to the Pentagon for all actions concerning fleas, ticks, and mosquitos. We are an open nation, but the line is drawn at insects. People who love insects are not true Americans.
As for the age of eligibility, I knew someone was going to bring this up. I am sorry. With the real and hard science of animal year calculation, we are going with one dog year = 7 human years. So he has four years under his parent's roof. Which in my home growing up, would have been too long. As for lazy bulldogs (mostly British parasites coming over to steal our universal pet healthcare) they will have a rigorous exercise training. If they refuse, we deport them back to country of origin. Once you sign on to Obama Pet Insurance, your ass is America's. Just like the army, but with better hospitals.