As we expand the role of government with our collective eye on improvement, President Obama’s team has decided to count their chickens before they hatch. And yes, animal birthing will be covered in the new and improved health insurance program barking out of Washington this week.
In the hope to win this intense election, partly because he did nothing for the past four years and the other part, well, I guess it was the Republicans, Obama is reaching out to the suburban moms and spinsters by promising pet insurance. He plans to cover every animal in America with the kind of welfare equal to the beloved pets of Congress.
Similar to the human plan, every animal will have to be accepted regardless of genetic or predisposition. Offspring living in the same house as the freeloader parent animals will be covered under the bitch’s plan. Animals will have a chance to visit the veterinarian who will freely run up the bill with senseless tests and surgeries because Americans cannot handle death in any conception.
Unlike the human plan, The Pet Insurance will cover all animals regardless if they have a job, perform an essential societal function, have just moved from Chiajuana, or like running into highway traffic. The Pet insurance will cover health fitness coaches and dietary specialists for all animals. They have decided it should be free because Obama could not find a way to charge them.
I searched the streets with questions but the animals I talked to were all quite unresponsive. The cats were skitterish as if they had something to hide and the ostrich kept running away. They seem to be aloof at the free healthcare and the awesome quality of life that the new Obama Pet Plan offers. In fact, this reporter was actually stung twice informing the bees.
Humans were filled with opinions. Peter Jackson, from Buffalo, insisted that the pets should have to pay something. “These animals live better than me. They are sucking off the system and leaving the tax payers to pay.” Randy White, sitting next to Peter on the bus, went on, “Are you kidding me? Pet insurance. What will they think up next? Well at least I can get my 12 year of Tabby’s urinary tract infection fixed. She has been peeing in my apartment for the past 2 years.”
“I don’t like it, said Florance Rand, because it makes us look like pansies, caring for animals. We should invest in more military funding to finish off Iraq.” I informed her that Iraq wasn’t our target anymore and she just shook her head. Violet Mackeral liked the idea that her pets would get to see a doctor. “What is the difference? At least we have something to show for our taxes other than the junky roads, schools, and corrupt democracy.” Her friend, Sue Saw, was exuberant. “I don’t know why we can’t have this plan for humans, but at least the pets will be safe and happy and live longer lives.”
Will pet lovers unite and push Obama to the win this Fall? The plan seems to have little bark and no one is sure how much bite it will take out of our pockets. But who will deny your poor pooch good health insurance? According to a new plan out of Washington, no one will.
You can follow James Dugan on facebook and on Twitter @jamesduganlb. Purchase his new book through Amazon What Baseball Teaches: A Poetic Odyssey into 2008 Season of the World Champions Philadelphia Phillies