Obama Calls for the Sacrament of Reconciliation
Nick Carraway
In response to the year-long impasse on healthcare reform, President Obama has made his final push to pass the legislation with a humbling process known as the “Sacrament of Reconciliation.” Though politically risky, the procedure has the potential to symbolically wipe away all the sins of the President and his fellow Democrats.
In a speech yesterday, a somber Obama brought out an array of black robed priests and nuns to help make the case to Congress that “health care reform for the American people has been preordained by God.” He did not mention the Sacrament of Reconciliation by name but said that to pass this morally precarious bill, Washington insiders “must do the kind of penance” that naturally comes with any huge social welfare program which will undoubtedly lead to increased taxes and a dangerous expansion of the national deficit.
The President’s logic seems to be that since many of the American people have rejected this health care bill, members of Congress may feel sharp stings of conscience when voting for it against the will of their constituents. Therefore, if at least a simple majority of Dems undergo a process of spiritual healing, they may be able to beat back any devilish temptations to submit to dubious practices of checks and balances on power – especially the evil filibuster.
As servants of the Dark One Himself, Republican lawmakers immediately cursed and cast hexes on President Obama and his apparent religious conversion. They vowed to keep fighting the proposed healthcare reforms unless Obama compromises with them and signs his name in blood in their Black Book.
Pressing ahead despite the GOP’s satanic threats, Obama heralded his healthcare reform as “the closest thing to heaven on earth” for American families and businesses. He said his proposal, estimated to cost at least $950 billion in tithes over the next ten years, would curtail the skyrocketing rate of sinning and sacrilege regularly committed by insurance companies, who have been accused of discriminating against people with preexisting conditions like meekness of heart and pureness in spirit.
In a move aimed at defending the secret demons in disguise as big insurance executives, Republicans took Obama to a high place overlooking all of Washington, D.C. Once there, they promised the President that a compromised incremental approach to healthcare reform would eventually give him all the US kingdoms below. To win their support, he had only to bow down to Republicans and “start over” with the legislation. Seeing through this trick, Obama flatly refused to work with devils, instead choosing to publicly rededicate himself to serving only the agenda set by his own party.
As Democrats continue the healthcare process alone, a repentant Pelosi faces the challenge of uniting different factions of the party, each with their own doctrinal views. Some Democrats have argued that atonement for sin is best done in the light of day and may reject the healthcare Reconciliation since it has no public option. Whereas other Dems feel that forgiveness is found in the eyes of God alone, and are more worried about being cast into hell for passing legislation featuring little restrictions on abortion funding. Because Pelosi is likely to lose at least a few novitiates over the abortion issue, she must inspire religious conversions among lawmakers not seen since Obama’s messianic rise to power in 2008.
As Obama spoke, Democrats from both chambers perfected dogmatic comments used to defend the use of the Sacrament of Reconciliation, accusing Republicans of “tempting them to the nearest occasions of sin” not just on healthcare but in other domestic policy votes. Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-Md), a cleric of the House, cited the five-day blockade of temporary funding for unemployment benefits by Sen. Jim Bunning (R-Ky.), calling it part of a “calculated and beguiling strategy” by the GOP “to steal alms intended for the poor.”
Sen. Ben Cardin (D-Md.) said Republicans are merely trying to spread corruption on healthcare legislation, not to improve it. “It’s not that they want to start over and just keep us in political purgatory,” Cardin said. “They want us to join Bush, Cheney and the rest of them in the everlasting fires of hell.”
Although Democrats agree that the Sacrament of Reconciliation will be necessary, many questions remain about how to proceed. House and Senate leaders have not agreed on if they would try to confess to the “nice priest" in their parish or go to across town to one that doesn’t really know them. Also, no decision has been made as to whether or not they would choose a scary, but private experience in the confessional booth, otherwise known around the beltway as "the box", or endure an awkward face-to-face confession in full view of the judging eyes of their peers.
In addition, attaching a realistic penance estimate to Reconciliation – which under traditional rules must be at least five “Hail Marys” and three “Our Fathers” – would take several days more. House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-Md) said his Democratic colleagues in the House were exploring ways to make the Senate’s penance exactly the same as their own, so that the House could be certain they weren’t any more sinful than the other chamber. However this plan actually might lead to more guilt , since it would likely violate the confidentiality rights of confessors and their clients.
Altar Servers said whatever path the House follows, reciting any one of the many versions of the Act of Contrition should be enough to absolve all transgressions and move the health care legislation through both the House and Senate. Hoyer said Democrats still hope to have a clean soul “in order to receive Communion by the Easter Mass,” the timetable Obama is seeking. But given the National Cathedral’s tendency to schedule the Sacrament of Reconciliation at unusual and inconvenient times, others call that goal overly ambitious.
Before Obama spoke, senior White House chaplains made it clear that the White House would use the season of Lent for its final push on healthcare. The liturgical season of sacrifice seems an appropriate time for Democrats to cleanse themselves of any mortal and venial sins related to forcing an unwanted healthcare reform on Americans and neglecting the people's real top issues like job creation and reducing the federal deficit. To prove his devotion to self-flagellation, Obama has decided to leave the luxurious confines of his Pontificate in the Oval Office and make a religious pilgrimage to the City of Brotherly Love, that holy shrine of early American democracy, on Monday. Although Philadelphia was once a colonial cultural center and the proud birthplace of American Independence, the 20th century has seen the city decline into the type of moral wilderness and political wasteland that will surely test Obama’s newfound resolve to receive the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
“Bless us Father for we have sinned, we’ll do whatever it takes to get healthcare done,” White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said of the President’s planned wanderings in the spiritual desert of Philadelphia.
Reader Comments (2)
Very witty piece of sarcasm with tons and tons of delightful irony and painful truths. Amazing idea to the timeline (Easter) set that I didn't pick up when I was reading about this recently. A possible big Easter Goose Egg
My favorite line:
"But given the National Cathedral’s tendency to schedule the Sacrament of Reconciliation at unusual and inconvenient times, others call that goal overly ambitious."
This is definitely a more difficult challenge for reading than any satire before, but I think you are moving closer to Swift in the poltical satire. It is great to laugh at how much moving and shaking, hearing the yelling and seeing the pulsating veins bulging in the heads of the politicos, but nothing gets done.
If you want to know the real facts about the healthcare issue so you can decide what you want: please visit:
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6220TH20100303
There are many myths and lies about the plan and very little overtness, on both sides. But I enjoyed the piece and its connection with Lent. The information is the latest, but I am sure it will change before I am done typing this word.
Thanks for the humor in the lunch -- and thanks for broaching the topic.
Great read.
Obama may have cost himself a second term by attaching his whole administration on this mess of healtch care reform. There are alot of pressing issues in this nation when he took over between the wars, economy, immigration, etc. Yet instead of trying to get some small wins under his belt, he decided to so a sweeping gov't reform/takeover of healthcare and probably shot himself in the foot in the process. There are no democrats in red states who are going to vote for this bill knowing it will cost them a shot at reelection come November.