All's Well That Ends Orwell In Lower Merion School District
Philadelphia-area school district, Lower Merion, has recently been overwhelmed with anxious job applicants seeking the soon to be vacant position of Vice Principal Lindy Matsko. Prompted by Matsko's claims that she has never “montiored a student via a laptop webcam...and never would,” shocked and excited snoopers are lining up to fill her spot.
“I can't believe she has totally squandered this opportunity,” said a mysterious applicant who goes only by the name O'Brien. “I've been working my whole career to get these little buggers wherever and whenever thoughtcrime has been committed.” Upon hearing about the rumors of the new webcam technology, O'Brien immediately turned in his resignation to his superiors at the Ministry of Love, punctuating his letter with “Minus Telescreens; Macbooks Plusgood!”
No further comments have been issued by Matsko, who has been doubly silenced from further discussion of the case by a federal gag order and a reassignment to a new office in the conspicuous Room 101 in what Lower Merion School District officials have termed her “re-education process.”
As previously reported, federal prosecutors have been investigating the school district for allegedly disciplining a student named Blake J. Robbins for misconduct committed in his home based on still shots acquired by remotely accessing the camera on his school issued laptop. The students' parents have filed a formal lawsuit accusing the district of violating privacy rights and wiretapping laws.
“Our son has always been a model Party member,” insisted the parents. “He has never kept a diary, always participated in the Two-Minutes Hate against local rival Radnor High, and frequently practices his Newspeak.”
The student himself has largely remained silent during this whole ordeal, which is not surprising since Robbins is an active member of the Junior Spies. Indeed, his own parents seem to be showing a level of concern for the boy bordering the disgusting degree of affection shown by proles to their offspring. Rumors have been circulating among inner Party members that the Robbins' son has even refused to speak to his parents about the laptop spying incident, and has since been recording his mom and dad's conversations and taking scrupulous notes on any of their behavior he finds “suspicious.” Close friends of the student say he has vowed only to cease monitoring his progenitors if and when the court case has been decided in his favor.
“It's not surprising he's treating his own parents this way,” said his best friend Winston, “Blake has always been unwaveringly spurred on by a higher calling to the State. And not to mention he's probably the smartest kid in our class.” After briefly looking over his shoulder, Winston adds, “a little too smart for his own good if you ask me.”
The parents' lawsuit was apparently not filed immediately after the school disciplined their son, but instead came a few weeks later when they noticed a change in their Blake's behavior. They both suspected the boy was upset that they hadn't defended him against what he claimed were “covert attacks against his good standing in the Party” perpetrated by a secret group he described only as “The Brotherhood.” Finally, Mr. Robbins made the decision to call his lawyer after his wife related a dream she had in which their son curiously told both of them “we shall meet in the place where there is no darkness.”
Despite the Robbins' lawsuit, the staff at Lower Merion School District has been trying to show extra kindness and understanding towards the beleaguered student. One history teacher in particular, Mr. Charrington has offered Blake a sort of sanctuary in the alcove in back of his classroom. Other students have reported seeing Blake and his girlfriend Julia often hanging out in Charrington's room eating rare rations of “real chocolate” and reading strange books with big oldspeak words like “Manifesto” on the cover.
When asked what he thought of the legal case against his employer, Mr. Charrington offered very few intelligible comments. At an impromptu press conference in his room, the kindly, older gentleman absent mindedly fiddled with a a glass paperweight, hummed some lines from a forgotten nursery rhyme, and finally muttered that he liked Robbins as a student of history because he had an unusual interest in the obsolete trappings of the past like digital privacy rights.
“But don't you worry about his future and the future of your school?” a reporter from MiniTrue pressed.
In response, Mr. Charrington suddenly let the paperweight drop and shatter on the floor, saying “Oh, I think that like the past, his future has already been written. Whether this young man realizes it yet or not, in the end, it'll be clear to all that he loves Big Brother.”
1984, Laptops, Lower Merion, Orwell, Satire, education, privacy rights, spying, technology 
Reader Comments (2)
Great column. My friends and I have been emailing about this back and forth and cannot believe the stupidity of the school board for authorizing this behind the students and parents backs.
Creative and hilarious look at something that has so many panties in an uproar. It was one of the most creative pieces of satire since the Nancy Pelosi bit. You have a gift for this.
1984 is a great connection to the topic. Technology gone bad. I can see all the topless laptops and skinny brief supporting harddrives. The silk screens with their winking lights turning on the cold printers that wait to be handled with a stiff fax. Turn the speakers down, technology is red hot and out of control.
Thanks a lot for the lunch and reminding people of Winston. He is the man. But this time I think Big Brother is actually a Sister.
Awesome. You should put the up on the side just in case people want to buy 1984. It is a must have read and one I didn't get in high school.