Obama Promises New Cars to Raise Approval Rating

Due to the success of the recent CARS program, President Obama’s approval rating has skyrocketed. “The Cash for Clunkers has been a great boost for our President, and without it, we would be getting close to Bush numbers in half the time,” said Terry Snow, White House spokesman, during the Sunday morning Press Conference. “The President is a man of the people and he knows Americans like shiny, new things and getting rid of old things, and he thought, hey, why don’t I give them a huge check to help pay for it.” Huge check it is. The Government is giving qualified buyers up to 4500 dollars for a new car. Not only will the common Joe benefit, but also the car industry and OPEC. Though it is not being called another Automotive Bailout Program, this one already well past the 1 Billion dollars earmarked for the program, it has all the benefits of filling the streets with more cars and making the Automobile industry fill up their empty coffers.

‘Why should we make the car manufacturers come up with creative ways to market or lower the prices to meet new market realities,” continued Snow, “we can print money here in the government and we will just give it to them.” One reporter asked if this program was for American cars made in America by Americans. “President Obama wants everyone to benefit from his generosity and has promised that with his large heart and the American taxpayers’ money, everyone should be given a free handout.” Another reporter wanted to know why the standards for fuel economy were so low to qualify for the new free money. Mr. Snow replied, “It is not about numbers, John, if it was about numbers, China would clearly be in charge with the amount of debt we have accrued to them. This program is about making everyone feel better, mostly the President, especially after his tough disappointments of relegating race relations in Boston and Universal Healthcare. This is finally a true stimulus bill to get people to spend on things they really don’t need and to help those poor unfortunate Automobile companies who are suffering.

In hoping to contact Environmental groups concerned with the administration and government’s push to continue their relationships with oil and cars as the primary means of transportation, I was able to speak to WOW (Wonderful Obama World). Unfortunately they had been shut down since the election win. An anonymous Green Peace member said this, “We are a bit concerned that the government has not made stronger fuel requirements above 32 miles a gallon. We should be looking for alternative fuels to help our cities and communities deal with pollution and clogged roads. This seems like it has no environmental benefit at all, especially since they are going to trash all the old cars that were still in working order and could have been rehabilitated. But I voted for Obama thirteen times in the last election, and I’m willing to accept any free money as long as I don’t have to ride my bike on the freeway again.”

The Environmental Groups have been eerily quiet and are hoping for a big turnaround by the automobile industry. “It is hard when you don’t have an enemy. Just the other day, we were actually thinking of coming up with our own ideas to live more peacefully with nature. Now, we won’t have to worry about that since Big Car and Big Oil will be back.” The people behind the slogan Recycle, Reuse, and Renew have changed their name to “Whatever Obama Thinks is Right”.

Some Americans worry there will not be enough free money for them when they want a new shiny car in their driveway. “I’m trying everything to get my credit score up, but I haven’t paid my bills in months. I called debt consolidation, and they said I will be able to apply for the program in as little as two days.” Mr. Snow insures that anyone who wants to go into more debt as the nation nears 10% unemployment is certainly a brave and patriotic American. “We hope that all Americans will forget the campaign words to sacrifice. The administration and Democratic dominated Congress have realized that “Business as Usual” is really the only way America works.”