Songs of Torture: Elmo, Barney, and the Smashing Pumpkins

Medill DCThe political frustration with Guantanamo Bay from the Bush to the Obama era has never gone away. It is like a broken record that is stuck on skip, replaying the same sad verse repeatedly: What is more important? Rights or Safety.  As of April 2011, there were still 127 prisoners stranded in Cuba’s no man’s land waiting the President’s order.  As we have learned in recent articles, the song remains the same for the prisoners even as we end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The US government decided to use Sesame Street songs as torture devices against alleged terrorists. This has broken my will more than once when I had small children. A recent documentary discussed how Barney, Metallica, and Eminem were used to force the tough answers out of the frayed prisoners. Now the whole family could enjoy this concert!

What were the exasperated officials to do after water boarding was disallowed? It is quite ingenious and very American as long as the government received permission from Bruce Springsteen as they blasted “Born in the USA”. I find it quite patriotic if the government decided to use my writing to insure the safety of all Americans. In fact if they had used my writing, the war would have stopped a long time ago for fear of ever being captured.

But if it is music they want, I have placed my top 5 songs that torture me when trapped in a car, bar, or BBQ with no control of the stereo. I know there is some danger in releasing this top secret information leaving me helpless to the hands of my enemies, but I believe if it tortures me this bad, it could work on alleged terrorists in Cuba. And not that the offical list is out, Al Qaeda soldiers will build up a tolerance to Barney and Elmo.   

Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen – Please just kill the whining, I will tell you where I stashed my Slim Jims.

Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer – It looks like he has no legs. What, for God’s sake, is the thing you can’t touch?

Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi – My only prayer is that this song stops being played. It is soley responsible for the loss of my faith.

Nights In White Satin by Moody Blues – Nothing is more torturous than being stuck in a room with the elevator music of Purgatory even before you get there.

Smashing Pumpkins 1979 – More whining but with a helium voice. I would have told the location of the rebel base if Darth Vader used this song.

Add your most torturous song in the comments. Don’t be afraid, I promise I will not sell the list to your enemy.

You can follow James Dugan on facebook and on Twitter @jamesduganlb. Purchase his new book through Amazon What Baseball Teaches: A Poetic Odyssey into 2008 Season of the World Champions Philadelphia Phillies

Comments

[bennythejetrodriguez]

Good topic. I never liked 1979 when it was receiving frequent radio play, but more recently it has gained a new charm for me. The same thing happened with Even Flow when I revisited it almost 20 years after its release.

I'll add two of the most overplayed songs of all time in the ilk or Living on a Prayer--Sweet Home Alabama and Don't Stop Believing. These songs should be banned for a decade or two. Then when they return to circulation in 2032, I'll be like, "hey, haven't heard this song for a while," instead of cringing.

[Patrick Edmonds]

I wrote about this topic a few years ago when this story first broke. There's quite a list of infuriating songs out there for people. Here's the original. Skip to the comments for people's thoughts back then, http://www.thelunchbreakblog.com/arts-entertainment/2009/11/12/sing-a-song-of-myself-just-not-that-one-please.html