Sing a Song of Myself... Just Not That One, Please!
Patrick EdmondsAfter two weeks of World Series baseball, and a one week recuperation from the torturous anguish of defeat to the Yankees, I now feel well enough to write again. And since I am on the subject of torture, I thought it only appropriate to contemplate the sad, yet equally hilarious story that appeared last month from Guantanamo Bay. You know the one, about the alleged terrorist inmates on the Marine Base Jack Nicholson used to be in charge of, and how they were brutally forced to endure the pain of listening to select songs for hours upon hours straight.
And while this is hardly funny, the collective response of many musicians lobbying Congress to release the names of the musical artists used to commit crimes against humanity certainly makes me chuckle. If the rumors are true, popular artists' music, such as Prince, Bruce Springsteen, Don McLean, and even the famous theme song of Sesame Street, has been used to induce severe mental torment intolerable to the average human. More than anything else, though, I am perplexed as to these pseudo-artists and hackneyed political revolutionaries desire for this list, as well as the decision to use music as torture in the first place.
First, what exactly do these artists intend to do with this classified information? Is their avarice shining through again, hoping to sue the military for royalties? Or, is their motivation akin to that of MLB's players demand to have all steroid users' names released, merely to prove they are not on the list? I can't imagine how embarrassing it must be if the US Military and government has deemed your music torture-worthy. That would certainly harm sales, would it not? Most artists just want to prove to the world that their music does in fact not cause severe mental harm, at least not according to the US military.
Next, if all of the reports are true, how and why did they choose certain songs? One report claims Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA was used. Ironic considering the song is a chastisement of the manipulation of patriotic ideals. Don't worry CIA, Reagan also misinterpreted the song as an expression of patriotism while running for President. Equally ironic is that Bruce has been the most outspoken critic of Guantanamo and the War on Terror before it was popular to do so. Other reports are that Barney was used. I think the effect of this torment is lost without a video to enhance the brainwashing monotonous melodies of the giant purple dinosaur. "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..." Or how about Prince? Equally purple and equally scary as Barney, but far more talented, musically speaking at least. I mean, I can see using his horrendous acting in Purple Rain to inflict extreme agony, but his music? Really?
And this brings me to my final query. Can music actually be torturous? Are there songs or entire artists even that would cause you genuine pain? I remember as a child driving different places with my mom and brothers, and it was always the job of the shotgun seat to control the radio in an egalitarian fashion. If a song came on that one listener abhorred, it would be quickly shot down with a succinct "Change It!" If nothing good could be found after four or five tries, we would resort to a classic, beloved cassette, and if we still couldn't decide on that, my mother would enact her dictatorial rights as driver (and mother) and turn off the radio. So for me, and my brothers at least, there is definitely music that would numb the senses and elicit a deep-seated pain; however, we always had the ability to choose, which is a freedom that if I lost would truly be torture.
Reader Comments (10)
Here is my contribution to the inhumanity:
http://www.ilovelocalcommercials.com/videos.aspx?vid=1&cl=3
This song has been in and out of my head since I first saw it a few days ago. "It's just like, it's just like, a mini, mall!"
Very funny and illuminating story. I was not aware of the story and I am interested in the list. The top five bands that would torture me the most are:
1) The New Kids on the Block -- especially the old stuff. My sister played that not stop when we were growing up. The ear phones were never enough in the car. If the music was accompanied by a poster, I would immediately give up.
2) Milli Vinilli -- the same reasons as above but add dreadlocks. I still can not walk down the boardwalk without it coming out of one of those t-shirt places.
3) House Music -- a phenomenon compared only to the sound of hail on the windshield and nails on a chalkboard. If you throw in a guedo from Brooklyn with a shirt missing half its buttons and enough mousse to repollute the Jersey shore, I would name names.
4) Bon Jovi -- reasons stated above with House music but now put a pop spin and play it over and over and have every girl you ever dated and hated talk about how dreamy he is and while slow dancing she whispers the words of the song like "Lay me Down on a Bed of Roses" and you don't know what Bon Jovi or her are talking about because you still live with your mom and she would freak if you brought a girl home and you wonder if the sweat under your arms is really seeping through your shirt and you just want the hairspray smell from her beehive away from you...YOU CAN JUST KILL ME WITH THE BON JOVI THREAT.
5) Poison -- reasons stated in three and four and because I just dislike Bret Michaels. I have no idea why the guy wants any of those girls on Rock of Love. The songs haunt my youth and middle age because I can not go to a carnival without my wife singing the words of one of the putrid ballads before the end of the night. Many times I think Bret is actually at those county fairs. Long hair gives me the creeps and Unskinny Bop is the worst song ever created.
There you have it. How to torture me without touching me. I am sure Congress will make new rules for this torture when it comes out, so I think I will be safe if I ever end up in Cuba with Jack Nicholson.
Thanks a lot -- that was fun.
Here are songs that make me want to die on just one listen. Let alone multiple plays:
1. Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus. This song single-handedly ruined a whole genre of music for me. It has taken me over 15 years to get over this tune and actually give Country music a chance again. Billy Ray Cyrus' mullet didn't help either.
2. The Reason by Hoobastank. This is one of those songs that was so overplayed when it came out, that I know all of the lyrics even though I hate it. Remember that terrible phase rock music went through after grunge. This band is the epitome of some of modern rock's darker times. The last thing I want to hear in Gitmo is a whiny, Southern California, suburbanite complaining that "I'm not a perfect person" over and over again.
3. The Scientist by Coldplay - My roommate in college broke up with his girlfriend and sang this song nonstop. It was probably the most pathetically emo display I've ever witnessed. Thankfully he's much better now, but this song still makes me want to slit my wrists.
Lemme first say that I enjoyed your post. Let me also say that I believe nothing is sacred. However, I read your statement, in the post "Fox and NFL's Afghanistan Sunday", where you typed: "I contemplated satirizing this story when I also felt personally assaulted by the constant reminders throughout the World Series, but the unfortunate truth is, there is no humor in Afghanistan"
This might seem like a d-bag question for me to ask, but I'd like to know... Why is it OK to make jokes about torture, but satirizing Afghanistan is off limits? I could just as easily say "there is no humor in torture."
Keep in mind, I am not offended. In fact I can think of nothing that offends me. That's why I'd like to know, why do people find some things OK to joke about, but other subjects are taboo? I personally think the whole idea of being "offended" is a BS ploy people use in an attempt to try to gain the moral high ground... but who knows?
Anyway, to prove that I actually did like your post, and that I'm impossible to offend, I will answer your question regarding which artists it is torturous to listen to. I totally agree with 4 out of 5 of James Dugan's choices, the only exception being Bon Jovi. I was young and impressionable when I first heard them, and to this day, when I hear "You Give Love a Bad Name" I think of 1980s arcade games and pizza. Carraway's selection of "Achy Breaky" is also apt.
To their lists I would add: N Synch, the Backstreet Boys, Brittany Spears, Christina Aguilera, Miley Cirus, Avril Lavine (who actually seems to think she's punk) or any other pathetic bubble gum pop crap. Whenever I hear the music that's marketed to kids or young teens, I can't help but think there must be some kind of media conspiracy to make kids stupid, or perhaps to lower the average IQ in the country so as to turn teens into indiscriminate, voracious consumers of the cancerous, tumescent, pustulant growths cleft from the Collective Unconscious with the rusty blade of avarice.
I think it in was Afghanistan that WC Fields claimed that he was wandering when he suddenly realized that he and his fellow explorers had misplaced their corkscrew and "were sadly forced to live on food and water for several days." I think that's funny.
Anyway, my list is rooted in my youth, which was itself torture. The title of Haynes Johnson's wonderful book on the Reagan years describes the sensation I felt through most of the 1980's: "Sleepwalking Through History." Music obliged:
"Total Eclipse of the Heart" - Bonnie Tyler. Why is this woman screaming at me? Why does she believe that she must get louder as the song goes on? Is that singing or yelling? Turn around, bright eyes. I'm going to hit you in the back of your enormous hairdo.
"Dancing on the Ceiling" - Lionel Richie. Oh! What a feeling! Toyota! Proof alone that the Grammy Awards are given out to schlock and more schlock. Lionel beat out Springsteen and U2 and everyone else with album of the year in 1984. Orwell was obviously right about something somewhere in there.
"Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" - Starship. Nope, nothing. We're the bastard leftovers of a musical revolution from San Francisco and all we've got left is a bunch of synthesizers and Grace Slick's weave. It's 1986 and you're going to hear this freaking song every time you turn on the radio, you miserable little acne-ridden punk. This was the theme song of a movie called "Mannequin," about - yes - a mannequin who comes to life and falls in love with Andrew McCarthy. That's where I stop.
"The Greatest Love of All" - Whitney Houston. Before crack. And what's the greatest love of all? Learning to love yourself. Who'd a thunk it? God almighty. Originally a terrible George Benson song that Whitney turned into one of her hellish, room-clearing, earsplitting, paint-peeling anthems. I would confess to the charges even before she got to the part where she tells us that the children are our future.
"All I Need Is a Miracle" - Mike and the Mechanics. All I need is a paycheck. All I need is a barely catchy melody and a few meaningless words that I repeat over and over until it becomes an earworm that, when played ceaselessly on FM throughout your formative years, creates essentially the same effect as a polo mallet on your skull.
That's five, but there's so much more - so many other obvious choices. Had he not become the object of satire, there would be Rick Astley, the man who dances like he deals cards. Everything sung by Michael Bolton. I had a roommate who liked him. Or "Some Guys Have All the Luck." Oh really, Rod? Ronnie Lane should rise from the dead like a zombie and end our suffering at the hands of Rod Stewart and all the cheap Motown covers he's done for the past 20 years.
OK, now I can sleep, knowing I've made the world a safer place.
i actually started a small blog about songs that suck, at http://sonicfruitcake.wordpress.com. i haven't updated it much but my first two additions are "drops of jupiter" by train and "closing time" by semisonic. many others in these comments could also be added to the list.
because certain songs are torturous but everyone knows it -- those william hung songs (the terrible guy from american idol) from a couple years ago were clearly bad. but the ones that really get me are ones many people think are good (for example, both of the songs on my list were nominated for "best rock song" grammys) but are actually wretched. there are some solid options in the above comments.
Thanks for all of the responses! You've created a formative list that will benefit many, and all of which could be contributed to Matt's new site for songs that suck. I hope there are more to come.
However, before I contribute my few choices, I would like to respond to Shaman. Thank you for the compliments and also thanks performing what I think is a first for the site, that is using previously posted comments by someone to arouse debate. I think this is another valuable element to this site that makes it unique and beneficial to the readers and writers.
You are correct that I said I didn't want to satirize Afghanistan, but that was simply my personal feeling that there was nothing funny there. My comment was not meant to be a criticism of your hilariously scathing mockery of mainstream media or be considered an edict in opposition to satire for certain situations and issues. I too feel almost nothing is sacred, especially while writing under a pseudonym. However, I do feel that there are certain boundaries individuals create for themselves not to mock, belittle, or satirize, right or wrong. Usually, it stems from a personal association to the matter, which therefore makes the situation far less humorous and much more serious, thus being incapable of seeing the humor of the situation. As for the situation in Afghanistan, and Iraq for that matter, especially our soldiers' and military's current quagmire, I have a very personal association, with friends and family who have served and are currently serving in these places of squalor, which are mired in death, starvation, corruption, and overall tragedy.
But, my own personal opposition to presently not wanting to address these issues through satire was definitely not meant to dissuade anyone else from doing so or meant to admonish those who have or plan to. It is merely an issue that hits too close to home right now. And while I know Swift would probably argue that my relevancy to the situation is actually a greater call to respond in this fashion, I just personally disagree. I have no qualm making light of torture because fortunately I do not currently, and hopefully never will, have an immediate association to it. I hope that makes sense.
I will add though, that even though the primary attempt was to elicit the humorous responses of horrible music from above, I did attempt very subtly to address the shameful reality of torture at Guantanamo and in general, in my final sentence in the piece, "So for me, and my brothers at least, there is definitely music that would numb the senses and elicit a deep-seated pain; however, we always had the ability to choose, which is a freedom that if I lost would truly be torture" The luxury of choice, or perception of, is one of the greatest freedoms we have, and I feel that the stripping of that freedom is truly brutal and inhumane.
Now for my list:
Another Whitney Houston classic: "I will always love you"- Not only was this song insanely popular during my formative years and produced thousands of horrendous imitators, but it will always be associated with the start of Kevin Costner's demise as an actor because the song was written for the soundtrack of The Bodyguard. Regardless of how amazing your early films were Kevin, I will, in fact, not always love you.
Ace of Base's "I Saw The Sign"- Every year at my grade school there was a talent show, and the year that this unfortunate creation came to be, every group of awkwardly dis-proportionate, brace drooling, preteen nappy haired girl from sixth to eighth grade opted to lip sync this abysmal tune. I am fairly certain this in fact drove me to underage drinking.
Billy Joel, yes everything by Billy Joel!- I'll admit that I was once duped into admiring this man's supposed musical genius. I actually went and saw him live once and at the time thought I enjoyed it. However, in recent years, I have come to loathe the sound of his voice and melody of his piano. It evokes from me a distaste similar to biting on tin foil.
Again, like everyone else, there are certainly more but for now these will have to do. Thanks again for a fun lunch!
Thanx for the response Pat. That was a very intelligent and self-aware answer. Believe it or not, I actually agree with you. I think that whether or not someone is offended depends upon their personal association with the matter of offense. Being offending is a subjective phenomenon, in that it "relates to properties or specific conditions of the mind as distinguished from general or universal experience" (definition of "subjective" from dictionary.com).
In the past, whenever I've asked people why they're offended about something, they generally try to evoke some kind of "objective" moral high ground, as if something is offensive outside of the context of the offended individual's perceptions. I think this might be the first time in my life when someone actually answered me intelligently when I asked what makes something offensive, off limits, or taboo: "Usually, it stems from a personal association to the matter, which therefore makes the situation far less humorous and much more serious, thus being incapable of seeing the humor of the situation".
Damn right!!! Usually when I ask people why something why they're offended it goes something like this:
Me: "Dude, why are you offended?"
Offended person: "Because what you said was horrible. You are an awful, morally reprehensible person. Your every breath is an affront to God. You breathe blasphemy and defecate sin."
Me: "But isn't being offended a subjective phenomenon? Aren't you reacting based upon your individual experiences and your own, entirely subjective interpretation of the world???"
Offended person: "No. Everyone should be offended over the exact same things. My point of view is the only point of view. The fact that you are NOT offended leads me to believe that you are, in fact, an agent of Satan, sent here to tempt my faith. I will now throw holy water on you and laugh as you burst into flames."
At this point, the offended person summons a mob of angry, mindless automatons, incapable of independent thought. They all grab torches and pitchforks and chase me outside of the confines of their narrow world.
At least that's how it seems to me....
Love this post! Mine would be:
1. Almost all Classic Rock - My dentist has WMGK on every time that I go. Also, every Bonner mixer ended with "Stairway to Heaven." I absolutely hate Led Zepplin.
2. Everything by Kenny Chesney - I think that he is the most unnattractive man on the planet.
3. "No more Lonely Nights" by Paul McCartney, "Putting on the Ritz" by Taco and "Cool it Now" by New Edition - One night as a kid, I was awake all alone and these three videos were on TV. To this day, I panic when I hear the first few chords of these songs.
4. Any flute music - I have no idea why I hate the sound of a flute so much.
I think it would be an interesting conversation to attempt to uncover the according to Hoyle rules the army uses to find the most torturous songs. Do they pervade deeply into the minds of the individual victims to find the music that would be that person's specific demon? Would they then (were I a victim) use the off tune version of "The Entertainer" (of "The Sting" fame, not Joel) that haunted my childhood as it played from the ever-present ice cream truck that patrolled my street? The song, to this day, reminds of the fact that I would never be allowed to get ice cream (as they ALWAYS came around when we were at the dinner table!!) and so was forced to shovel down the cabbage and grizzle on my full plate. My misery has stayed with me and inspires hate when I hear this song.
OR...
Are there universally torturous songs? Has the U.S. Army uncovered that which separates music from punishment? Do they tamper with the tracks or do they simply play “terrible” songs on repeat as they were originally recorded?
My List would definitely echo Grarris’: the boy bands, the slutty teenage girls, “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” by The Darkness, most of Bryan Adams songs (Canadians can’t rock... I’m sorry), Fall Out Boy... the list goes on but my blood is already beginning to boil.