How To Shop At The Guitar Store

Image by JSome1

"Widdly widdly wahh! widdly widdly Wow Wah!"

These are the sounds that greeted me as I came in the door during my last trip to one of those big guitar chain stores. The wailing guitar I heard on this particular excursion was broadcasted from an amp turned up just a little too loud and originated from the deft fingers of the store's assistant manager. Is it just me, or are these musician's superstores some of the most intimidating, uncomfortable places to shop? From the inflated prices to the fake, pretentious employees, large chain guitar stores are becoming too much to handle unless the consumer adopts the proper strategy.

I have been playing guitar for over ten years now, and I still feel like a gangly, self-conscious 15 year old when I walk into the store. My nightmare scenario is that an employee who has nothing to do but work on his guitar skills all day at work is going to put me on the spot and expose me as a no-talent hack. I can just imagine giving myself away completely as I show a few, small signs of enjoying the rock n roll riffs coming from "Jeff" the Assistant Sales Manager's brand new, store-owned Fender. All I have to do is start nodding my head, maybe a toe tap here or there, and next thing you know I slightly glance over to see what kind of instrument he's playing, and Wham! he's got me in his web of new strings and amplifier cords. I can hear him now,

"Hey man, how's it going? Can I help you with anything?"

Seems harmless enough but you know where this is going. This is textbook new guitar store employee training tactic number one: make friends with your prey. It's like they give their salesman a book of cheesy conversation starters and then shoot them up with a cocktail of paxil and testosterone before setting them loose to lure in unsuspecting customers.

Initially, the sales guy is super outgoing, but underneath the surface, he's always sizing up the customer's weaknesses. For example, if I respond to Jeff's greeting with anything more than a grunt, I'll find myself down a rabbit hole of rapid fire getting to know you questions as if I'm attending some kind of bromantic speed dating session for 20-30 something wannabe rock stars.

"How long you been playing?" "What kind of guitar do you have?" "Can I show you anything in particular?"

These are all part of the judging. Right then and there, you're answers are being recorded and analyzed by Asst. Manager Jeff. He's pulling up a mental image of your consumer profile and once he's sized you up, all he has to do is hover to seal the deal. After the small talk, Jeff will lurk around, not trying to look particularly busy and just wait for you to pick up a guitar. Once you do, if you don't play something impressive immediately, he'll assume you just stumbled in here after seeing your first Guns N Roses video.

At this point, you are doomed. Based on your apparent lack of musical talent, experience, and consumer confidence, the sales guy will assume ignorance and first try to push the model that is just a few hundred bucks more expensive than the one your fat, bumbling fingers tried to play. If you successfully fend this advance off, he'll try to push a bunch of cheap knock-off brand guitars on you. Sure, the crappy guitar has a better price but that's a small consolation when the strings won't stay in tune for more than five minutes and it breaks within a year. In addition to the replacement strings and repair costs, this sales tactic leads to additional money being spent on all the accessories that Jeff will convince you are absolutly essential. Inevitably though, this money is spent in vain when you actually do figure out that you've been sold a crappy 3/4 size children's guitar made in the Third World and worth half the retail price. At this point, your friends will laugh, other musicians will sneer, and Jeff and the guitar store guys will have won because you'll be too embarrassed to return it.

To avoid this nightmare, I have a list of guitar shopping musts for the novice and experienced musician alike. First, always know exactly what you are looking for. You might not know the specific instrument you want, but at least, have a price range and a list of general needs and things you don't want. Otherwise you'll walk away with not only a guitar, but a special case, a strap, a tuner, three packs of strings, multiple sizes of picks, amplifier, chords, pedals, song book, and a significantly larger credit card debt than your budget can accommodate.

Secondly, bring a friend with you to the guitar store. To quote the Rex-Kwan-Do philosophy, "we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times!" An extra body in the room, preferably one who has some background knowledge on guitars, can help you separate real advice on instruments from the corporate-sponsored, high pressure sales tactic bull. Even a totally non-musical friend will help, because at least they can physically position themselves as a human shield to protect you from some of those overzealous advances and hovering stares of lurking salesman.

Finally, know when to walk away. If you feel like the deal is going sour, you are under no obligation to stay. Haggling is an art, and the buyer's biggest weapon is the threat of not buying at all. Research their competitor's prices and let them know that you don't mind making a trip to another store. Having an exit strategy can help you at any stage in the guitar buying process, from the awkward small talk to the cash register. Even if, as you reach for your wallet, they insist on taking your email address, threaten to walk! Tell them, "you can have my money, but my email inbox is not for sale!"

Maybe this whole rant is just an overblown product of my lack of social skills and musical insecurities, but I hope it can help any of you readers that have had a somewhat similar experience at the guitar store. It's a shame that the guitar shopping experience has been corrupted by the rampant consumerism in our society. Artistic expression is at its core a very personal endeavor. So, when choosing an instrument to express your musical self, it would be nice to have a little respect and privacy. But in a capitalist system, everything is put on stage for evaluation and the individual is expected to conform. And while the racks of new guitars at these chain stores allow me to briefly indulge in my musical fantasy world, I think I much prefer to get my instruments second hand from family, friends or flea markets. These guitars may not be my first choice and they might be a little worn and scratched, but at least there was nothing artificial about how they were sold. Imperfection adds to their character; and an authentic bargain lends to a musician's peace of mind.

Comments

[shaman Grarris]

Good article. I can relate. I was at Guitar Center the other day. I generally like to take a look at the used items - cheap as hell compared to most of the other items. I remember I bought a really basic used bass guitar that sounded much better than comparably priced new ones. I generally try out a bunch of instruments (including ones outta my price range), and then choose whatever seems like the best deal. It turned out to be an Ibanez, but brand names can be deceptive. The bass I bought had a Christian sticker on it, from the previous owner. Far from dissuading me, I took the sticker as a sign from God (even though I'm no Christian) that it was the right bass for me, and I'm happy w/my purchase.

The employee that was helping me tried to get me to go for a more jazz-oriented bass that was 200 bucks more. That's when my lack of musical self-esteem comes in handy. Just be like, "dude, I suck, there's no way I'm paying that much."

Hey, I just thought of an alternate strategy. You could try the Indie rocker excuse. Just say, in the most arrogant Indie rocker voice you can muster, "High-end models are soooo 2002. F--k hi-fi, all the Indie bands are going 'low-fi' now. I'm going to be the next John Darnielle!"

[James Dugan]

Good post -- there are limits where capitalism can not match artistic endeavors. I have felt the same way and the sad part, guitar stores were the coolest places to go when we were in high school and we could play one riff. We would torment the crap out of the music stores, always ending up at the drums, while my firends went to the bass and best guitar. We always had someone who would find a triangle or harmonica. Then at the cue, we would all start at once jamming as hard as we could until they would tell us to leave.

We tried this mutiple times until we grew up and stopped going. So to make you feel better, maybe some of the angst of the salesperson was created by teenagers like me. The small time stores where you could go and listen for awhile are gone, but it would be cool if they developed a coffee shop -- music store, where the whole purpose was to hang out, listen and play, and get a high dose of caffeine. Maybe this is what we could do if the lunchbreakblog doesn't work out.

Your post reminded me of old record stores and the looks they would give us when we would frequent them (often right after the music shop). Right away, music was part of an elite thing, and you had to be something already to prove you belonged. There was a sense they were cool, but now, maybe they were just oportunistic capitalist who had bills to pay.

When I got my first job, I did buy a $500.00 guitar. They won, but still one of the best things I have ever purchased. Thanks

[tangomango]

I feel that way when I go into a furniture store. "Can I help you?"
"No, just looking"
Then they follow you around the whole store

[Detts McGee]

Totally agree with you here Mr. Carraway. I've been playing a few instruments for years. I still get all frazzled when I check out a few items in the Guitar Center. Asst. Jeff's playing rediculous scales that I still can't play at a slow tempo, then walks over and is like "hey, man...wanna try that one out?" "No thanks Slash, I'd rather not put you through the torture of my strummy rhythmic playing. Looks nice though, I'll take it...Damn!" I like to go in there and see what they offer me after doing a ton of research online. A certain model gets great reviews online and is half the price than the thing they offer you at first. I just ask, "what's wrong with that audio interface right there?" "Oh this one here? Nothing really. This one's pretty good too."
I win.